“So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them.”
– Charlie (The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky)
I’ve been plagued with so many ‘what ifs’ for months now – what if I was born in a different place and time; what if I’m not the middle child; what if I hadn’t met him and a lot more. It’s depressing when thoughts like these creep in and I just can’t stop them at all. I feel hopeless sometimes. This is one of those nights where I’m seriously thinking what if everything has been totally different.
I wish I could be like that girl. I wish I could be like them who can go out anytime they want to, who can mingle with anyone they feel comfortable with, and who can be in a place where you can maximize what you have learned in college. It’s a pity to think I can never be any of them.
A lot of people have told me, “You’re better than that. You’re capable of doing more than that.” Yeah, I think so too. It’s just that…I can’t. I can’t do it because of reasons others may find ridiculous and pathetic. These are reasons which can either make or break me for the rest of my life. In a society where beauty is defined by the clarity and smoothness of your skin, your height and overall physical appearance; and where success is measured by your rank, salary grade, popularity to some extent and your loads of daily work, I can’t help but be envious.
I wish I had a lot of money. I’d probably have surgery (not on the face though, but some sort of skin surgery). I’d definitely go on a travel spree or better yet settle abroad where I can be in a totally different environment and meet new people whom I’ll share great experiences with. I wish.
It’s not that I’m ungrateful for what I am and what I have right now, I just feel at times that some people are so much more fortunate than I am. A lot of those I know are back in school, others even studying abroad, some are happily married and are already starting their own family and here I am, sitting in front of my laptop at least half a day every day doing my job and watching variety shows/ movies/ series online, reading novels, writing blogs like this during my free time.
I guess my boredom (although I always have something to do in my cozy space at home) plus the occasional ‘not so good events’ at home are starting to take their toll on me. I’m blessed being able to work from home and meet a lot of nice students every day. My stress level, to tell you honestly, had greatly declined since I changed my job last year. Perhaps, what I need to do now is seriously get a writing job so I can feel that kind of pressure and joy which I used to feel when I was still taking up Communication Research back in the University and for extra income as well to fund my travel expenses.
Okay. There. I feel so much better now. I just had to vent out. I might as well finish this book which I’ve been reading for about a month now. ‘Tis long overdue.